I received this email from a man dealing with infidelity. He is reading my book 'When the Wife Cheats". The email broke my heart.
Dear Frank,
I found your book "When the wife cheats" on Amazon and knew immediately that I had to read it. Last month, I came home late from work and had a strange feeling something wasn't right. I went upstairs and found my wife in bed asleep with an empty wine glass next to her. I woke her up and asked if anything was wrong, to which she responded "no, nothing at all" and went back to sleep. Something inside me told me to keep pressing the issue so I did and finally she admitted that in her words "something had happened." To make a long story short, she admitted to sleeping with my neighbor, and then best friend, one night after we had all gone out for drinks. I had gone home early after drinking too much. Apparently it happened at his house on their couch with his wife passed out right beside them.
My wife has since admitted to one other affair that happened a few years back. I'm only half way through your book, but have found so many similarities between the character Denise and my wife that I had to write you. As you know, the depression, hurt, anger, etc that comes with infidelity is overbearing. This hasn't happened to any of my male family members or friends that I know of, so no one really understands how I feel. After learning of the infidelity, I couldn't believe how naive I had been. The warning signs were all there, I just chose to ignore them.
I asked my wife to move out last month. We have two daughters, ages 2 and 6, both of whom have handled the adjustment fairly well. We're going through marriage counseling but she isn't sure if she wants to continue being married or not. I've always felt divorce had to be a last resort, but I can't let myself be hurt like this again, and she isn't sure she won't hurt me anymore. Hopefully, things will work out for the best, whatever the outcome may be.
Thank you for writing this amazing book and for listening to my story as well..
Mike
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Michael,
My heart goes out to you and your children. There is nothing as devastating as infidelity. I have spoken or heard from dozens of men and women who are trying to "move on" with their lifes. I wrote this in my Blog for New Years. I hope it helps:
New Year Resolutions
It is that time where most people make promises, or better stated, wishes for the upcoming year. The vast majority revolve around losing weight, getting in shape, joining a gym, saving money or getting out of debt. Unfortunately most of these good intentions are over before Valentine Day.
Since my book “When the Wife Cheats” was released, I have spoken to dozens of men and women whose resolution is simply to “move on” from betrayal. This one is not so easy. Betrayal comes in many forms. We have all been betrayed by a friend or co-worker or a trusted employee. Although these betrayals hurt, we are able to move on fairly quickly. However it is not so easy when the betrayal is your spouse. I wish I had the answer – I don’t. I can only share what has helped me.
Whether you want to or not, you cannot escape the grief process (shock, denial, anger, bargaining, guilt, depression, and acceptance). Unfortunately, these stages don’t always go in order. I still find myself going back and forth between them. It’s OK. This process is not an exact science. Spousal betrayal is made more difficult because your heart isn’t just broken, often it is shattered. There is usually a set time to fix a break. A broken bone may heal in six to eight weeks. A shattered bone or heart has no fixed time to heal. It is going to take far more time than you expect. Give yourself time.
Before you can pick up the pieces and go home you have to forgive yourself. Let me say that again; Forgive Yourself. You weren’t the worst husband or wife ever. While you may have done the best you could to make your marriage work, it didn’t work. You cannot make someone else happy or make them love you if they don’t. You may never forgive your spouse - that’s OK – but forgive yourself.
I used this quote in “When the Wife Cheats.” It helped me. I hope it helps you.
"There comes a point in your life when you realize: who matters, who never did, who won’t anymore and who always will…so don’t worry about people from your past; there is a reason they didn’t make it to your future."
Now I know this is far easier said that done. So here is another saying that might help. When you find yourself in the depths of depression and sorrow; when you don’t believe you have the strength to even get out of bed; when you have no idea how you are going to survive the next hour – let alone raise your children. Believe me you will have ALL of these feelings. When you feel completely overwhelmed – remember this:
Look up…Get up…And never ever Give up.
Never ever give up. You will get through this – you will survive and your life will be better than ever. Happy 2012 to everyone.
You will get through this Michael. It will be the hardest thing you ever do...but in time your life will be better.
